So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish life had little blips of pornography
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i came on her dog
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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