I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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