i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
