Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
