I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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