I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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