A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
vagina is talking i cant
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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