Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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