Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
