we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
