filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
