that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
