I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
