then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
