i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
