two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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