I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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