"it" just moved
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
