Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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