as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
