I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize