A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I puked a lego.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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