I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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