I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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