When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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