and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
