i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
