kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
