your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
