Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
