I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
two words: eviction party
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
