I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
