I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Tell her she can't have a vagina
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
