and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
