You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
