The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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