two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
