is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
