I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
