you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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