i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
