my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We have started to decorate penises.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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