Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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