oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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