Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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