eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
