awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
