My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
