dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
