She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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