Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
