I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
