I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
3pm strippers are depressing
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
