We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
