I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
