i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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