u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
