Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
