The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
