just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
