She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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